Holding Pattern
by Silverweaver
Summary: And Seth thought restablishing his relationship with Ryan after the Oliver debacle was tricky...[SethRyan one shot]


Disclaimer: The O.C. is property of Fox. The over-active imagingation? That's all mine.  
Author's Note: Elzed, Maud, Sdlucly, Bonnie D, even the alleged bright young thing miss-suga all had a hand in this whether they know it or not. Thanks, guys.****

* * *

**Holding Pattern**

Since they've been back, things are different now. The house has changed; rooms have altered shape, walls have moved. The people who lay their heads in its shelter are quieter, in both words and spirit.

Seth seems older, sadder. Ryan, if it was even possible, seems even more so. The heartwrenching summer that had eventually led him back home is fading and ahead lays school and uncertainty and for neither holds any of the promise that it did last year.

Nothing seems right any more.

Except-

Now when he thinks about Ryan that way he's not ashamed. He knows who he is now, what he wants to be, who he wants to be with and it isn't the girl anymore, it isn't any girl any more. He knows that happiness isn't found by pretending to be something he's not, or by ignoring the little voices inside of him. Seth longs for Ryan in silence, but inside, his passion is screaming.

Should pigs be seeing flying over the Balboa Heights and Ryan looked back at him in the same way, he wouldn't be doing anything wrong. There's no Seth and Summer, no Ryan and Marissa, no Ryan and Theresa. The path of thorns might be prickly, but it's clear.

If Ryan's departure proved anything, it's that he and Seth are definitely not brothers. Brothers might do stupid things, like leave home, or get mad at each other and sulk, but the world shouldn't stop turning if they do. If brothers don't speak for nearly three months, their life doesn't feel empty, because they know that one day, not too far off they'll have reason to speak to one another again and it will be like they never stopped. Brothers don't lie awake at night counting the days since they last saw each other, wondering how long it will be until they see each other again. Wondering how they'll react if they do, whether it would be better if they didn't. Brothers don't ache at the hole inside of them when they're apart.

Definitely not brothers. Given how often he finds his mind drifting to thoughts of Ryan, it's probably a good thing. And now that he's close? Now that he can see the sadness first hand, see it increasing daily, knowing there is nothing he can do to make it better, except watch, and hope? Nothing should feel like this.

Except-

Now the pigs are soaring.

Ryan's always been good at looking; a quick glance around a room to tell if it's going to be one of those nights at home, a pointed sideways stare in lieu of words in anger or in jest, a stolen glimpse of Seth reading alone at the kitchen counter. Now as Ryan stands in the doorway of the kitchen with the text book he retrieved from the den dangling idly in his hand, his gaze dancing over the gangly figure, the reason he came back home, he's taking his time. Even though Seth has his back to him, the way that he isn't even subconsciously taming a stray curl with his fingers and the way his foot is still instead of bouncing tells Ryan that Seth is lost in a novel, for nothing else, not even his beloved comic books can muster such quiet stillness within him.

Even as he stares at Seth, Ryan still doesn't know why. What he feels for him, the only person who can hurt him more than his mother ever could, just by his mere existence is beyond words, beyond the standard definitions. All he knows is that when he left Seth behind him, he left part of himself, and when he came home a month ago to find Theresa left him just as his mother had done, too much of him was glad. Yet Ryan also suspects that not only may Seth be the one person in the world who could explain it all to him, if only he had the mettle to ask, but also that if he did try, and was mistaken, the sky would fall, the oceans would desiccate and his heart would stop.

Except-

Even as Seth turns the page, he can feel Ryan gazing at him and he can barely catch his breath, so dizzy is his mind with the smallest of possibilities that Ryan might be regarding him in the same way as he has for so long. And though he can't explain it, he just _knows_ that it's Ryan looking at him, somehow his gaze feels different, feels right and it's all he can do to remain quiet. In his mind's eye, Seth imagines turning round, sharing a look of understanding, of acceptance, of longing.

Except-

If Seth realised that Ryan had been staring at him, without realising what it meant, or cracked a joke to ease the tension that still won't subside between them even after so long, he doesn't think he could take it, not this time. So, instead of moving towards Seth and gently twisting down a wispy curl that threatens to tickle his neck and disturb his repose, Ryan simply tries to behave as if everything is normal, as though they were just brothers.

Except-

It really is Ryan's arm brushing against his own as he places a textbook down on the counter and it really is Ryan standing behind him, close enough to breathe. But instead of pausing to share the sensation, instead of the beginning of something new, Ryan reaches for an apple from the bowl on the counter and the moment fades.

Except-

The goosebumps on Seth's arm match his own, the hairs standing up with a shiver not caused by a draft, but by electricity, a shared spark of desire. And when he puts the apple down on the counter next to Seth he doesn't know whether he should let go or not-

Except-

Ryan's fingers are loosening, but slowly, too slowly for to be accidental and before they let go, Seth's reaching for the apple, regretting it even as he does so-

Except-

Seth's fingers are weaving with his and even as Ryan's trying to comprehend what's happening or if he's imagining it, he's closing his hand, and suddenly he perceives that Seth is doing the same-

Except-

Before he knows what he's doing, he's almost taken Ryan's hand in his own, and even though there's only two fingers holding them together, everything is instantly different, the pattern is changing-

Except-

It's Seth holding his hand, their index and little fingers closed tight around one another and Ryan understands that this has been what he wanted all along, that the pattern has always been there, just waiting to be learned.


End file.
